Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
