The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
