I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
