Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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