dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
