...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
