i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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