dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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