dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
