I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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