Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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