the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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