Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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