My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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