So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
