I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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