she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize