Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize