So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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