I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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