Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
