I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
