I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
