remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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