Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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