he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
it's like heaven, but drunker
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
