the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i barfeds in our rink
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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