and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
