I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
