The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
