What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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