he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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