Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
