Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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