Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
