I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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