Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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