he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
All I want is dick and wine.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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