she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
