You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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