I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need to wash the frat house off of me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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