It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
