No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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