i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
