Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
