The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
