THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
