I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize