...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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