A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
