She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
