i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Barsexuality is the new black.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
