Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
