I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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