it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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