They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
