I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
