I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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