Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
