My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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