Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
