Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
