Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
